See your light

December 29, 2017

When you close your eyes, you’ll see your light

My therapist gave me this beautiful affirmation at the end of a very intense and life-changing sistahood circle. If you haven’t ever experienced a sistahood circle, where you can breathe, pour out your soul, and love on other sistas, I highly recommend you do. And this reminder to me to close my eyes, just be, breathe, and see the light that exists within me, has stayed with me since.

If I’m completely transparent, 2017 has been a very tough year for me. It has been a year of many accomplishments, but a lot of questioning, a lot of self-doubts, and a lot of failures. More than I’d like to admit. And I just cannot wait for a new start and A new year.

Bring it on 2018! I’m ready for you.

My therapist’s words to me reminded me, however, that there is an absolute clarity that I have within me. And that, despite the beautifulness of it, I am afraid of it. Very afraid. Not because of what it exposes in me—I’m very aware of my faults—besides, shining a light is quite different than seeing a light that already exists in the midst of the dark when your eyes are closed, and your heart can speak.  And my heart reveals a lot of things that I’m not ready to accept, decisions I’m not ready to make, and a life I’m not quite ready to live. Adulting is hard.

And I’m slightly aloof for a reason. A lot of my life is private, but I’m also trying to stay away from specifics because I don’t think particulars are necessary for many of us to relate to making tough decisions and following your heart and gut in times when the grey area is just too hard to trudge through.

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There is something truly spiritual and biblical to the idea of a seeing a light within ourselves. The mysticism and wonder of the divine and holy places that G-d, creator, reveals her life-forming revelation to us is quite stunning and lovely to behold. And sometimes that happens when we close our eyes.

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One of my favorite biblical stories is the book of Esther. Queen Esther was a young orphan girl who was raised by her cousin, Mordecai, and would eventually be enslaved by the Persian king and with the help of her overseer, a Eunuch named Hegai, the king chose her to be his new queen. Before Esther was chosen, the king dismisses the first queen, Queen Vashti, after Vashti refused to come before him and his guests at a banquet. This story is so full of twists and turns, and both Esther and Vashti show strengths in different ways. Many Xians like to point to Esther’s faithfulness to G-d, despite the fact that, unlike other conquering stories of the diaspora, the king and his subjects do not know Esther is Jewish until she reveals it later #PlotTwist. I actually enjoy Esther’s story, because it seems that by the time she stands up for her people, the Israelites, she has found her voice. She saw the light within herself. It took courage to go before the King after knowing she was not allowed unless summoned, and when she says who her people are she runs the risk of being killed herself. I hope that comes as an encouragement for you as it does for me on this journey.

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And we are on a new journey—#NewYear2018! So, I invite you to join me in this new practice of closing our eyes. Let’s tap into the strength that Esther and so many other matriarchs, and accept who we are this year. See that beautiful light that is within us. See? Close your eyes. Look. It’s there. Listen to your heart. Let the Spirit guide you in your decisions. Be. Breathe. You’re not alone. We’re in this together.

Happy New Year, beloveds.



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